Im thinking of closing down this blog.. I dont feel the need to write anymore. I dont have anything to write about.

No letters from my finger tips or any words unfolding on this page.

 I think of him every day. I miss him.

Im not sure when that is going to stop.

From now on my world is going to be a little less brighter..

Im not sure how to deal with this..

In any case it feels like my world will stop and I wont be able to get past it..

Many of you may not understand and I dont blame you..

Im about to loose my very best friend.. my closets friend that has grown old along my side.. who has comforted me when I was sad and who has shared happiness with me..

I have had my very best and closest friend for 15 years.. I dont remember life before him.. I was so small when we were introduced..

Im talking about my dog.. my precious little dog with the big brown eyes, the soft fur and the biggest heart.. and most adoring personality..

Named after the french singer Maurice Chevalier.. So his name is Maurice Chevalier Johansen..

his not just a dog and a pet.. he is my friend and confindant.. he is family.. he is a personality.. whenever Im spending time with him I feel truly at home.. I feel like everything else doesnt matter..

and Im very aware that some of you might be thinking.. “its just a dog..”

Well it isnt.. and he is very sick.. he might overcome it but the chances are very small.. he got some medicin this friday which made him a bit better.. the vet wanted to put him to sleep this monday but we decided to give him another week..

so.. next monday.. if he doesnt improve and gain weight.. then he’ll be gone..

and it will be so empty..

And I will loose my very bestfriend and the thought of that I just cant take.. Im not sure what the world is going to look like after this..

I hate myself for tricking myself into believing he could live forever..

this entire post Im dedicating to him.. a little dog with a big personality..

I love you.

Some nights I have so many things on my mind that im not sure im going to see tomorrow..

Im not sure I ever want to fall asleep again because I get scared of the next day

Sometimes I have so many things on my mind that isnt even real or isnt even my buiness that I cry myself to sleep

Sometimes I hate being so sensitive and sometimes I hate that I so easily let things in..

 Im  in mourning over someone I dont even know.. its the wierdest feeling in the world..

It seemed so meaningless..

Thats why I dont want to sleep today…

 I think this post in going to be edited a couple of times.. Im not sure it will ever going to be finished..

I feel weird talking about it.. I dont talk about things like this but I want so badly to get it out.. to not care.. to be able to fall asleep without thinking

 Im not sure this post is helping.. I just want to do something to relief myself from it..

Writing a cheesy poem about it isnt going to work..

I think a personality change might be in order..

I care too much.. other people dont care enough..

I just want to care a little less..

I should prob. just get drunk and get a good cry and hope it makes it all good for awhile..

ta.

I sometimes feel like a placebo.. well most of the time.. I have no idea why since the things I think about when I say I feel like a placebo is things im acthually good at.. might be a lack of confidence who knows..

so i’ve passed my first final and with that I ended a course and can now call myself a professional informationseeker.. lovely…

I have this weird mixture of sounds in my ears right now.. im listening to bright eyes – lua but at the same time I can hear a siren really really loud and my roommate cooking in the kitchen or something like that.. just a odd soundpicture…

I spent the entire day my back listening to music and watching episodes of bones on my computer… i’ve become completely obsessed with watching it.. I think it would be healthy for me to put it away untill I have the time to do it..

Ugh.. Im not sure what the ego purpose with this post is going to be for me.. I guess its just going to be another aimless rant on stuff around me..

okay which leads me to share that my right arm is itching quite a bit now.. I suspect its because I keep getting these small electricutions from the wires of my headphones where some of the “wirering”  – not entirely sure thats even a word – is exposed because the cover surrounding it is peeled away for some reason.. So therefor my arm is itching..

Not sure I have shared my thoughts on the whole christmas thingie.. Im not big on christmas.. I dont believe in any kind of religion so its weird for me in a way to be celebrating the birth of jesus when I think of it as a fairytale based on a translation mistake… and I hate the part where my parents have to remind and almost force me to make a wishlist and you have to think about silly stuff that people can give you and you will forget within the hour who gave you what.. the gifts I’ve gotten that matters the most has never been given to me on christmas eve… and sometimes a good gift isnt a material thing.. the best gift i’ve ever gotten was a complete surprise.. it was given out of love and not because the date in the calendar told the person to give it to me.. I mean.. its just a weird thing.. Im not big on the birthdays either.. I guess im just uncomfortable with the whole gift giving on demand thing.. it doesnt have a purpose or reason besides a date and some exspectations from ones surroundings because it has always been done that way..

anywho..

There is some things about christmas that I love…

I love how silent it gets when everything is covered in snow that at first glance looks like its cover with thousands of diamonds

I love the beautiful light they put up in the streets and I love the baubles for the christmas tree.. you can get them in multiple shapes I recently bought one shaped as a fish with a tail of feathers but its most commenly know in the round shape.. I just think there is something infinite about them..

and most of all I love those small plastic or glass containers with snow inside and a santa claus or a town or something like that and you need to shake them really hard to make the snow twirl around.. they are very special to me for some reason…

the best thing I knew when I was really small was when my dad used to go into the room with the christmas tree and close the doors and light all the candles.. it was beautifull…

but I guess all the excitement you have about christmas eve as a child you loose at some point.. I still remember the nights where I stayed awake and stared at my christmas calender unable to sleep because I was so excited about christmas eve.. Now its just a date like any other and I havent had a calender in years.. I guess christmas for me is about something entirely different now im just not sure what..

I will now go to bed and nurse my stomach ache.. I ate to many gummibears while watching bones all day… not such a good idea..

merry christmas..

ta-ta.